The Bachelors is clearly trying to revive the drama and bring back the ratings, and you have to give that to the producers, they can do it, thanks to Tash.
Now it’s Tash’s show and the three bachi boys are supporting the contestants.
Tash starts by telling everyone that he knows the secret. Secret? Jess has a boyfriend with whom she is in an open relationship, and now Tash will tell everyone about it – just because she, of course, appreciates openness.
Tash runs to Bachelor Jed, who, as usual, is dressed as if he is a member of the tribute band Blink 182. Jed completely forgets about his rock and roll roots and reacts conservatively to the news – he is horrified!
Jed immediately arranges a meeting between Tash and Bachelor Felix. Tash tells Felix that she’s not trying to be a bitch, she’s just showing up. She’s Daniel Hale with a manicure, and I refuse to hear anything else.
Felix is immediately confused about being out of love and shocked and appalled. Felix makes it clear that even though he wants to kiss everyone, he is not ready for an open relationship – what a hypocritical hot man.
Felix takes Jess aside to discuss her boyfriend.
Tash is frankly delighted with this outcome, but the other girls make it clear that they think – and pardon my French – that Tash has done a cute doggy thing. Tash is too busy enjoying the drama to worry.
Felix’s conversation with Jess is something of a non-event. He won’t get rid of her right away because the producer will strangle him for ruining such a good plot.
Jess is absolutely outraged that her big news got out, but it explains that she has a boyfriend who is supportive of her being on the show, and then starts listing general facts about him like age, location, etc.
Felix interrupts to say, “What the fuck!” They also say that heterosexual men find it difficult to express their emotions.
Felix pretends to be heartbroken and explains that he is the picket fence guy! Minus kissing everyone.
Jess is annoyed at being banned and Felix immediately meets with the kind bachelor Thomas who is distressed but tells him “Work with it”. There are so many meetings on this show that you might think it’s a tech startup.
It’s unfortunate that we have to leave the drama behind and embrace the romance of first dates. Thomas has chosen Leah for their first date, and they have a great time saying slightly upset things to Leah from time to time.
You know, if it works, he’ll share his location settings with Leah.
Leah spices up the date with scary phrases like “what is love like?” Thomas loves it and declares that he is falling in love.
And now back to the good! Jasmine has decided that Jess’s drama is her drama and she is furious that Jed doesn’t see through Tash’s acting and asks her out on his only date.
Does it occur to anyone that Jed is not an emotionally intelligent mastermind? I mean he plays drums, he’s not a psychotherapist.
We then watch Queen Tash’s romance with Jed, but their only date is just Tash explaining that she is a cheated whistleblower again. Jed likes her honesty and I really want him to quote her lyrics or something, but he doesn’t.
The producers clearly know that everyone will stop watching once the dating drama is over, so they arrange a group date to keep their eyes on the screen. It’s in a theme park because they’re in Queensland, what else do you do?
Nothing interesting happens, but Felix treats Jess coldly, and Jess is so annoyed that she admits it to Thomas. Thomas tells Jess that everything will work out if it’s meant to be. His response to the fortune cookie seems to put Jess at ease, so there you go!
Finally, Osher calls an emergency meeting before the rose ceremony. Jasmine keeps talking about Tash leaving Jess. Suddenly, Osher pulls out Tracey Grimshaw and starts asking Tash about her feelings for Jessica – he obviously has a producer on his ear yelling, “Interest rates are going up! You need this job, Osher!
Tash is horrified by Jess’ relationship. Annoyingly, Jess is very stylish and tells Tash that she’s glad she’s being honest with her. Jess is in full support, and Jasmine continues to scream about how terrible Tash is.
Osher is clearly biting off more than he can chew and decides to start the rose ceremony! If Jess comes home, there will be chaos, but there’s no way the producers will let that happen.
No surprises! Jess gets the rose and people go home who haven’t had screen time up to this point, so who cares.
Tash is furious that her scheme didn’t work and pulls Jedd aside to explain that she has finished the drama she created. She even makes an empty threat to leave the show because she feels like a “target”! Jed solves the problem by telling her, “Don’t worry about it!” And since Tash will never leave this show, she acts like it’s good advice and agrees to stay.
Meanwhile, the girls have gathered around to look at Jed and Tash through the glass door and are unimpressed. Crystal and Jasmine decide to intervene and ask Jed if he agrees with Tash’s actions! Interestingly, Jed said yes.
Tash leisurely walks back into the house while Jasmine tries to convince Jed that he doesn’t know the whole story.
Then, out of nowhere, Tash throws a grenade and says that Jasmine has OnlyFans. Everyone is hysterical! How does Tash know everything? Why isn’t she prime minister? This woman is an unstoppable force and her powers are being wasted on a reality show.
Jasmine is told that Tash told everyone about her OnlyFans, so she burst into tears and called Tash a sociopath. It becomes obvious that this show is no longer about boys.
Thank you Tash, your reality TV service will never be forgotten and you just know that tomorrow Tash won’t stop.
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